


I Was Feeling Insecure (You Might Not Love Me Anymore)

by CydSA



Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-09
Updated: 2010-06-09
Packaged: 2017-10-10 00:44:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/93388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CydSA/pseuds/CydSA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam has to decide if Kris is worth waiting for. Kris has to decide if he loves Adam enough</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Was Feeling Insecure (You Might Not Love Me Anymore)

**Author's Note:**

> this was spawned by Adam &amp; Cheeks at the GLAAD awards &amp; poor Kris stuck in the Bahamas. For [](http://dansetheblues.livejournal.com/profile)[**dansetheblues**](http://dansetheblues.livejournal.com/) who is my crack dealer. ILU bb. It's 2am – no beta – apologies for any mistakes.

  
"So, now what?" Brad asked curiously, looking at Adam.

Adam looked around the table and spied a couple of camera phones held up and flashing. "Fuck," he muttered.

"Petal, this is your official coming out parade, stop looking like a deer in the headlights," Brad hissed and Adam felt his shoulders loosen.

"Thank you," he said with a smile.

"For what?" Brad asked, eyes twinkling, "I am networking like a boss tonight."

Adam laughed. "Yeah, I saw you schmoozing with Drew Barrymore."

Brad flailed a bit. "Fuck me sideways, I can now die happy." He smiled at Adam. "Thanks for bringing me with you."

Adam shrugged and said, "Who else was even an option? I'm sort of damned if I do or damned if I don't." He sighed, "If I brought Mom then I wouldn't be gay enough, if I brought a random twink then everyone would be in my business and we'd be fucking."

Brad raised an eyebrow. "And I'm the _safe_ choice? Fuck you, bitch. I'm no-one's last choice." His eyes narrowed and his mouth thinned.

Adam quickly went to head off the explosion. "No, I swear, you were the _only_ choice tonight." He smiled helplessly. "I feel like I can be myself with you."

Brad stared at him for a moment and nodded. "Fine, but you're not getting any of this," he indicated himself, "tonight. I don't put out."

Adam laughed again in relief. "That's okay by me." He tilted his head to one side and asked mischievously, "Did you look in your goodie bag?"

Brad's sharp face lit up. "Did I? I am already imagining what I'm going to do with that stuff!" He giggled. "Being your beard for the night is worth it for that alone."

Adam stuck his tongue out at him. Brad was easy, their relationship uncomplicated. Although for a long time it had been the single most defining relationship of his life. That they'd been able to claw their way back to this simple friendship spoke volumes about both of them. "Thank you," he whispered again and Brad smiled, not needing anything else.

He finished his performance to a standing ovation and fled the stage before he started crying. Brad understood completely when he came back to their table and he just put one hand on his thigh beneath the table and carried on talking to Chris Colfer from Glee. Adam let that touch ground him and he took a few deep breaths and then turned to chat to Johnny Weir, teasingly telling him to follow him, bitch.

He and Brad decided to have a drinking contest and by the time they tottered out of there they were drunk and giggling and Adam had decided that he wasn't going to think about Kris tonight at all. Johnny piled into the car with them, having totally hit it off with Brad.

Adam watched in bemusement as Brad clambered over Johnny like a monkey and stuck his tongue in his mouth. His eyebrows rose even higher when Johnny responded enthusiastically. Adam shook his head and then watched the kiss stop.

"No?" Brad asked with a grin.

Johnny shook his head ruefully. "No, darling, no chemistry."

They both sighed and Brad moved off Johnny's lap and sat on the seat opposite Adam. "The story of my life," he muttered and Adam disguised his laugh as a cough when he saw Brad glaring at him suspiciously.

"Can we drop you somewhere?" Adam asked Johnny instead and he gave him his hotel name.

Brad started rummaging through the gift bag. "Holy shit!" he exclaimed, pulling out a vibrator, "this is the one you can hook up to your i-Pod." He started to pull his i-Phone out of his pocket and stopped at a frown from Adam. "What?" he asked and Johnny collapsed laughing.

"You can get out with Johnny if this is what you're going to do all night," Adam told him but he couldn't stop the grin. Brad was nothing if not entertaining.

"If you're very good, I might let you use this on me," Brad told him with a cheeky smile, waggling the jar of body paint at him. Adam just rolled his eyes.

"So are you seeing anyone?" Johnny asked Adam casually, but there was nothing casual in his eyes. "Brad here is a lovely boy, but he's obviously not fucking you." Brad glanced quickly at Adam and then concentrated studiously on the gift bag again.

Adam took a moment before he answered, "I am, sort of, it's complicated," he said quietly and exchanged a quick look with Brad who pursed his lips in a kiss at him.

"Oh," Johnny sad, just as quietly, "I'm really sorry to hear that." Brad's eyes went wide and Adam could feel his face burn.

"Oh you bitch!" Brad squeaked, "Make out with me in front of my ex and then hit on him?" He leaned forward and swatted Johnny's knee. "No wonder people think the gay community have no morals! It's you bi's that give us that bad name!"

Adam snorted a laugh and Johnny, after looking worried for a moment, started laughing too. "Sorry," he apologised, "just didn't want to have an 'if only' memory."

Adam smiled at him. "That's really sweet actually," Brad sniffed, "but I'm sort of committed to someone."

Johnny nodded sagely. "Not out yet?" he asked and Adam shook his head.

"Not remotely." He rubbed his eyes tiredly, the alcohol wearing off and the sadness setting in. "He's not ready to come out and I'm not going to force him."

Johnny tipped his head to one side. "He's married?" his eyes intent and questioning.

Adam nodded again. "Yeah, and it's just…it's hard because he's asked me to give him time and I don't know if I can give him much longer."

Brad moved over next to Adam and took his hand. "You told me he was worth it," he said softly, "I told you only if he made you happy." He reached up and brushed a bright blue strand away from his face. "I don't see happy right now."

Johnny leaned forward and looked at Adam. "You should be having fun, darling, fucking and flirting and not pining for something that might be."

Brad lifted Adam's hand and kissed the back of it gently. "He's a romantic soul, our Adam," he said with a small smile, "he's holding out for true love."

Adam pinched him and he squealed and the mood broke and lightened. Johnny dropped the subject until they got to his hotel and he climbed out.

He stuck his head back in the door and looked at Adam. "You need to think about what's best for you, right now. This guy, he's not here, maybe he won't be for a long time. You have to make a choice, one that will make you happy."

Adam looked at him, his heart racing. "I love him," he said simply, trying to explain everything in those three words.

Johnny sighed and said, "Then let him fight for you. Right now, he's got his cake and he's eating it. He's not worrying about you, because he knows you'll wait. Show him that he's not going to have forever to make up his mind."

Brad nodded. "I've told him the same thing," he kept his hand on Adam's thigh, "but he's a stubborn bitch and won't listen so I stick around and wait to pick up the pieces."

Adam stared at Brad. It was the first time he'd actually said something about his relationship with Kris to someone else that was unsupportive. It made him feel scared and nervous and he wanted to get home and call Kris and reassure himself.

"Don't wait for someone to love you back. That never works," Johnny advised sagely and then closed the door.

"What the fuck?" Adam asked Brad, eyes hard.

Brad stared at him, eyes just as hard. "I've wanted to say it forever," he replied, voice steely and sure.

Adam felt the ground underneath him shift. "But, you've been the one supporting me," he said plaintively.

Brad nodded. "**You**," he said, "I support you, not your little Arkansas closet case. He just pisses me off with his lack of back bone."

Adam wanted to say something in Kris' defence but tonight, he couldn't find the words. "I wanted him there with me tonight," he whispered and put his head on Brad's shoulder.

Brad wrapped an arm around his waist and cuddled in. "I know, petal, I know."

Adam stayed quiet for the rest of the drive home. Brad was sleeping over and they walked into Adam's home, arms still around one another.

"Stay with me tonight?" Adam asked, eyes desperate.

Brad looked at him, Adam could see that he was going to say no. "Please," he begged, "I just don't want to be alone. We can just be together, nothing will happen."

Brad raised an eyebrow. "Well, that's just not how I roll, bitch. I'm in your bed, you do something about it." He raised his chin in challenge at Adam.

"Okay," Adam said with a small grin, "do you want to try out the OhMiBod Freestyle or the We-Vibe II?" he asked.

Brad shook his head. "The fact that you know what they are called tells me that you've been spending far too much time with toys and not enough time with boys."

Adam shook with laughter as they headed for his bedroom. "I guess I'll be able to rectify the situation tonight then?"

They fell on the bed together, mouths tasting familiar, arms finding spaces that belonged to each other. Brad gave a small moan as Adam's teeth pulled on his earlobe and then shivered when he licked his way down his neck. "Fuck, you are such a fucking girl," he gasped as Adam paid attention to the smooth skin of his chest and the tight buds of his nipples.

"Learned from the best," Adam muttered against his skin and then Brad groaned low and needy as Adam's hand palmed his cock and started stroking.

"You've gotten better at this," he panted as Adam slowly moved his fingers and pressed against the damp tip of his cock.

"Had a bit of practice," Adam confessed and kissed Brad silent. The toys weren't necessary.

Adam woke up the next morning with a hangover and a guilty conscience. He'd loved Brad once, still did to a degree, but last night had felt like using rather than anything else.

He picked up his phone and tweeted, _@GoCheeksGo thanks for joining me last night! At least The-not-so-silent-auction afforded us the opportunity to play w the cutest puppy ever_

He had to deflect attention from Brad. He didn't want him dealing with his insane fans. What had happened with Tommy and Delmy had been bad enough. He didn't want to even think about what some of the crazies would do to Brad.

"So we officially went as friends?" Brad asked, shuffling into the kitchen and pouring himself a cup of coffee.

Adam looked at him grimly. "I don't want you to be hounded," he said.

"I need the exposure," Brad pointed out mildly, sipping at the coffee.

Adam shook his head. "Not the paps, you ass, the fucking crazy fans."

Brad laughed. "You have attracted the lunatic fringe," he admitted. He stared at Adam for a moment. "You're all 'put me in a hair shirt and cover me with sack cloth and ashes' this morning, aren't you, petal?" he asked.

Adam scowled at him. "I cheated on Kris!" he said sharply.

"You can't cheat on a man who is married to someone else, you moron," Brad said, his face drawn with irritation. "He's the cheat in this relationship, not you!" He pointed a slender finger at him, "Get that through your thick skull, will you? You are perfectly entitled to do whoever you want."

He put the cup down and walked up to Adam, moved between his thighs and put his hands on Adam's face. "You gorgeous creature, you deserve so much better." He stood on tiptoe and kissed Adam's slack mouth.

"Brad," Adam breathed helplessly.

Brad just waved at him. "My taxi is waiting. Call me later, okay?" He left and Adam slid down the side of the kitchen cupboard and plunged his hands into his hair. He hated his life right now. He decided to go for a shower.

The picture of Kris and Katy kissing showed up on his feed a couple of hours later. He might have made a sound suspiciously like a whimper. Kris had no intention of keeping any of the promises he'd made him. Adam suddenly realised it and it felt like a knife wound in his chest.

His phone beeped and Brad's reply to his earlier tweet came through, _@adamlambert Ferrealz! So precious. Handing that puppy off was like Sophie's Choice. Lovely night overall tho. Thank u! Always a pleasure._

Adam smiled a little. It surprised him daily that Brad and he had stayed friends. Of course, after last night, perhaps there was still something there. He was feeling too fragile to analyse anything right now though.

His phone rang and he answered it before checking caller ID. "Adam." Kris' voice was low and urgent.

"Hi," Adam said quietly, "having fun in the sun?" The question didn't come out right. It sounded angry and nasty but Adam didn't care.

"I wanted to call you last night," Kris began.

Adam cut him off, "Don't," he said, "just don't. I've been thinking. We're not going to work. You still love Katy and it looks like you're working things out with her…"

Kris said desperately, "Adam, it's not what you think, we knew there would be photos taken and we promised that we'd pose and…"

"I understand," Adam stopped the flow of words, "but I think it's time that we let the dream go. It's not going to happen. I haven't been in the closet for ten years. You're married and working on a career that will crash and burn if you come out." He felt the burn in the back of his eyes. "I just want to be happy, Kris, and I'm not happy just waiting for you to make a choice."

"Adam," Kris breathed, raw and hitching, "Don't do this."

"I have to," Adam told him, "I have to think of myself for a change. I love you and want to be with you but you can't be with me so I have to let go."

"Please," Kris pleaded.

Adam steeled himself and then said, "Brad and I went to the GLAAD awards together last night."

"I know," Kris said, sounding confused, "you told me that he was going to be your date."

"We slept together last night," Adam confessed and closed his eyes, feeling his heart break.

"What?" Kris asked.

"Brad and I had sex, with each other, after the party," Adam said, words hard and biting. "I needed it and he obliged."

"I …" the bewildered stutter hurt Adam's chest more than any screaming or accusations could have done. "I have to go."

And he was gone.

Adam's throat was raw as though he'd been shouting for days. He wanted to find a hole, make himself small and curl up there for a few hours, pretend the world didn't exist.

He called Lane to check on his flights to England and she told him that the flights were all still grounded. "I'm going to take a couple of hours, okay?" he said, "my phone will be off and I'm gonna AWOL for a bit."

"Don't go far, or do anything that will end up on TMZ," was all she said and Adam switched the phone off and went to sleep.

He woke up and made himself some tea with honey and went to check online to see what the reactions had been to his GLAAD performance. He was thrilled with all the positive feedback and then quickly went on to some of the fan boards to see what was being said. Many squealed about Brad and Adam going to the awards together, most seemed excited and happy that he'd brought him as his date.

Then he checked on the fan reaction to Kris' weekend in the Bahamas and saw some more of the photos taken. He looked closer at the pictures of Kris and Katy together and even he could see the awkward, uncomfortable distance between them. Adam couldn't understand why Kris was still with her. He didn't need Kris to be with him even, just to leave the poison that his marriage had become.

He sighed and turned off the laptop. This wasn't helping. He turned his phone on and there were a whole lot of messages from Brad, Tommy, Monte, Lane, Allison, Dani and one from Kris. He listened to that one first.

_Hey Adam, it's me. I guess, I just wanted to say that I understand. I mean, I haven't been fair to you and I've expected you to wait and I've not really given you anything to hope for. I'm sorry. If you and Brad are back together then I hope it works out this time. I do love you, in spite of how I've acted, I do love you. Okay, that's all I wanted to say. Bye._

"Fuck," Adam said with feeling. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." He deleted the message and cursed the day Kris Allen was born.

He left for London later that week, once the volcanic cloud had dispersed. He'd talked to Brad a couple of times but the connection they'd enjoyed once as lovers just wasn't there anymore.

"I had a great time the other night, petal, but I think we make much better friends," Brad told him over cocktails the night before he left.

"I have to agree," Adam said ruefully, "guess I'll be making good use of the OhMiBod while I'm over the pond."

Brad's cackle made heads turn and he shoved his nose in his drink. "I want pictures!" he crowed and Adam kicked him under the table.

He stayed away from Kris news though and the three weeks flew by. 19 asked him to come back to perform on the season finale of American Idol and he was grateful that his schedule was so insane that he had to turn it down.

Then it was June and he started his tour and Allison was on the road with him and it eased the ache a little to have his baby sister at his back. They killed it across America and he finally came home in October to a platinum record and a sold out concert at the Hollywood Bowl. He'd made it. It was surreal and crazy and utterly ridiculous as he looked out over the sea of screaming faces, but he'd made it.

He climbed off the bus at two in the morning and walked into a silent house. He dropped his bags on the floor of the entrance hall and went to the sitting room. Adrenalin was still pumping through his veins as he slumped down on the sofa.

He jumped up about a second later when the sofa moved. "What the actual fuck?"

He looked down and saw a head poke out from under a blanket. "Kris?"

The sleepy face cleared and then Kris was suddenly up off the sofa and in his arms. "Adam!" he exclaimed and buried his face in Adam's neck, breathing deeply. Adam's arms went around him automatically. "You're home," he announced, the words muffled as he kept his face pressed against Adam's skin.

"Yeah," Adam said in confusion, "this is _my_ home." He pushed Kris away and looked down at him. "The question is, what are _you_ doing in _my_ home?"

Kris flushed and Adam tried to ignore how adorable he looked with his hair sticking up every which way and his face creased with sleep. "Leila said I could stay here," he mumbled.

Adam mentally consigned his mother to the fiery pits of Gehenna. "Why would she do something like that?" was what he asked instead.

Kris rubbed the back of his neck and lowered himself back down onto the sofa. "Because I don't have anywhere else to stay?" he said, more like a question than an answer.

Adam sat down next to him, exhausted and soul weary. "I don't have the patience for cryptic, Kristopher. Tell me why you're here."

Kris shook his head. "I'd rather talk to you about it in the morning. You're tired and I really want you to be awake and alert for what I want to say to you." He looked at Adam and told him, "Go to sleep, I'll be here in the morning and I'll tell you everything."

Adam stared at him for a moment and then, too drained to argue, he stood up and went to his bedroom. He toed off his boots, shucked his jeans and jacket and fell into bed in his boxers and t-shirt. He was gone in a second.

When he woke up, Kris was lying on top of him, arms wrapped around him and legs tucked between his. He was also hard as a hammer and the first thought in his lizard brain had him tightening his hands on Kris' ass and grinding up against him.

The low mumble of approval from Kris told him that his attentions were welcomed. Still half asleep, he latched onto Kris' neck and sucked while he pushed his hands down the back of Kris' boxers and squeezed the soft, taut flesh. Kris turned his head into Adam's neck and bit at Adam's lobe, gently tonguing the diamond stud he never took off. Adam knew it was stupid and sentimental, but Kris had given it to him and he couldn't bring himself to take it out.

"You've kept it," Kris' voice was sleep rough and hopeful. Adam stopped moving against him and pulled away. The little protesting whine Kris made did not help his dick at all.

"Yeah," he said and lay on his back, looking up at the ceiling.

Kris propped himself up on his elbow and traced the line of his ear, stopping at the stud and pressing it lightly. "Why?" he asked.

"Why what?" Adam responded, although he knew.

"Why do you still wear it?" Kris asked.

"I don't know," Adam muttered, "habit I guess." He ventured a glance at Kris. He met his eyes briefly and looked away.

"I've got something for you," Kris told him suddenly and hopped off the bed, left the room for a minute and came back with a file. He handed it to Adam, sitting back on the bed, cross legged.

"What's this?" Adam asked suspiciously.

"Open it," Kris said and Adam obeyed. The first thing was a set of paparazzi photos of Kris and Katy fighting. He looked at Kris who motioned him to continue. The next was an article about the state of the Allen marriage, complete with sound bites from Daniel and Charles. The following page was an interview with Kris, admitting that he and Katy were separated and Kim and Neil showing their son their support. The last was a set of official looking documents that announced the dissolution of the marriage Kristopher and Katherine Allen.

Adam looked up at Kris. "You got divorced?" he asked, voice husky and thick.

Kris nodded and said, "Yeah, while you were running around America playing rock star, I was cleaning up my life."

"Kris," Adam began and Kris shook his head.

"No, I need to say this and I think I'm only going to be able to do it once, so let me, please?" Kris' eyes were dark and pleading and Adam nodded. "You were right," he started, and ran his hand through his hair, "I needed to get my shit together. Asking you to be my secret boyfriend while I got the balls to leave Katy and come out, was a shitty thing to do. I was devastated when you broke it off with me."

"I'm sorry," Adam said softly.

Kris shook his head again, forcefully. "None of this was your fault," he said fiercely, "the only thing you did, was love me." He smiled. "You gave me such a gift and I fucked it up so badly." Kris rolled his shoulders. "When you broke up with me, I wanted to die. I was stuck in Paradise and I wanted to die."

Kris reached out and took Adam's hand. "But that made me realise how much I loved you, loved being with you, how honourable you are, how strong you are." His thumb stroked the pulse at Adam's wrist. "I wanted to be like that, brave, bold, honourable." He looked straight into Adam's eyes and told him, "So I asked Katy for a divorce."

"Kris," Adam whispered and Kris picked his hand up, turned it over and kissed his palm.

"I've made my choice," Kris told him. "I choose you, Adam, if there were a million people to choose from in this world and I lived a million lives, I'd still choose you."

Adam's chest burned, his eyes were blinded with tears and he didn't want to be _that_ guy but he couldn't stop the sob that escaped. "Oh my God," he said and stared at Kris, "oh my God."

"It's time that we won," Kris said, paraphrasing the words of _their_ song and watched him hopefully. "I'm hoping you still feel the same way about me."

The words weren't even out of his mouth and Adam was over him like a tidal wave, mouth and hands frantically trying to touch and taste every part of him. "So fucking much, I love you so fucking much," Adam told him.

Kris smiled into his mouth. "Thank God. I thought I'd lost you forever."

Adam pressed their foreheads together. "Never," he vowed, "I'm never letting you go again."

Kris wrapped his arms around Adam's neck and lifted his mouth for another kiss. "I'm okay with that," he assured him and Adam grinned back, giddy with joy.

"One last thing," Kris said and Adam looked down at him, wanting to remember this moment, Kris' mouth red and wet and inviting, eyes soft and languid and loving.

"What?" Adam asked.

"Brad," Kris started and Adam shook his head.

"Nothing but friends, I swear," he said.

Kris nodded. "Okay, but I don't want you to think…"

"Shut the fuck up, Kristopher," Adam told him, "it was a one time only thing, that night, we were both a little drunk and a lot maudlin and we didn't actually do the whole thing."

Kris raised an eyebrow and Adam muttered, "I'm in love with you, you asshole, jerking someone off or giving them a blow job is one thing. Fucking them is another. I haven't wanted to fuck anyone since you and I…" he trailed off.

Kris stared at him. "Holy shit, are you telling me that you haven't actually been with someone since New York last year?"

"Yeah, so what?" Adam replied defensively, "I'm not a slut."

Kris shoved at his shoulders and pinned him on his back on the bed. "I want you so much right now, that it's terrifying." He leaned down and kissed him, soft, wet, filthy. "I want that big, gorgeous cock inside me so bad that I'm drooling at the thought." He ran his hands down Adam's sides until he reached the elastic of his boxers.

"I want you to fuck me until I can't remember my name or that I ever belonged to anyone else." He slid his fingers into Adam's boxers and wrapped them around his cock.

"I want you to pound into me, reaming me until I can't walk for three days without feeling you deep inside me." Adam whimpered as Kris stroked the rough edge of his thumb across the head of his cock.

"I want you to take me and make me yours in the most basic, most primitive, most real way possible," Kris drawled as he took his hand away and licked at the come that had rubbed off on his palm.

"You fucker," Adam grunted and rolled Kris beneath him. "You little southern shit," he growled and tackled the skin of his neck, sucking hard enough to leave a dark purple bruise.

"I'll give you what you want," he promised and sat back, pulled off his t-shirt and leaned over to his bed side table. Kris wriggled out of his t-shirt and sweats while Adam pulled out lube, a couple of condoms and a pot of paint.

"What's that?" Kris asked interestedly, skin flushed and cock eager.

"It's body paint, baby," Adam purred, "I get to put it on you and then I get to lick it off." Kris gulped.

Adam opened the pot of paint and stuck his finger in. He traced a slow, sensual circle around Kris' navel, watching in satisfaction as the muscles of his abdomen quivered. He gouged out another blob of the paint and ran his finger in a chocolate line from his navel to the base of his cock.

"Adam," Kris moaned, hips canting up and Adam's mouth curved in an evil grin.

"Patience, darling boy," he murmured and took another finger-full and encircled the base of Kris' cock. The dark ring reminded him of a cock ring and he made a note to try one on Kris later.

The next line of chocolate paint was a stripe right up the length of Kris' cock and Kris lay shivering as Adam took more paint and proceeded to cover the entire length of him in chocolate. He sat back and viewed his masterpiece with satisfaction.

"Now," he announced cheerfully, "I get to eat you." He took his time, making sure he got every last bit of chocolate, Kris shouted and begged and moaned, but he wasn't moved. He'd waited for more than a year for this, he was going to make the most of it.

He was stone hard and leaking everywhere, but he took Kris in his mouth and swallowed him down, sucking hard until he screamed and flooded his mouth.

Finally, after the last morsel had been swallowed, Adam put the condom on, added lube generously, and reached down to prepare Kris.

Kris' eyes opened, hazy and dazed and he arched into Adam as he fingered him carefully open. "Love you," he mumbled and Adam felt his throat close.

"Love you too," he whispered as he pressed home.


End file.
